July 16, 2009

In Memoriam: My Dog Fanciful

My whole body is numb with pain.

My dog, Fanciful, or Fanci, has been put to sleep. She was eight years old, and yesterday, July 15th, she got ran over. As some of you may know, or have read on this blog, my family and I live on a street I like to call The Lane, because, well, it is a lane... it looks like a big driveway. We all know each-other, and we all get along (for the most part-- I'll save that for another post).

One of our lovely neighbors-- he really is quite lovely, went down the street (in his car), and out darts my dog. Meanwhile, I am over at our neighbor's house feeding their dog.

My brave Princess came and told me about Fanci being ran over. I sprinted for the gate, saw that The Mother was on her hands and knees with a towel, and my dog. I stood there and sobbed. I was in shock, my dog was dying.

We all piled in the car and drove to our local-- and trusted vet, who, by the grace of God, let us in. The nurses led us to a room to sit down, while they took care of her.

They took x-rays, and there was nothing they could do, because she was so tiny. (She was a tea-cup poodle and weighed only eight pounds.)

We had to put her to sleep.

I sat there and sobbed and sobbed.

(I am crying just thinking about it.)

I told The Mother things that I wanted-- like the camera for instance, that was back at the house. The Father drove back to get the camera, and I asked him if he could please take pictures of the dog-- I needed something. I asked The Mother if she could please have the nurses cut some of her fur off, and while they put her to sleep, if I could please hold her.

The doctor was more caring than I had expected, she let me hold my precious dog before, as long as I wanted, and after, as long as I wanted.

After ten minutes of holding her (before she was put to sleep), I asked The Mother to get the doctor, it was time. I could feel it.

The doctor kindly explained what would happen, so that I would know. I held her the whole time, until the end. I stayed with her, and told her how much I had loved her-- even when I said to get back inside the house before I killed her-- and yes, I actually said this. I told her that I loved her with all my heart, and that she had left an imprint on my life.

That's all that mattered to me.

My dog taught me so many things, and blessed me in so many ways. She loved me when I was Mormon, when we changed churches, when I decided that I didn't believe in God, and when I got my First communion. She loved me when I yelled at her, she loved me even when I thought that no one else did. On Sundays, when I would (normally) clean my room, she would follow me around, all the time, just to see what I was doing. She was so curious, so full of life, I wanted to be like my dog. We had tricks, we would play with the broom, and we would dress her up. She was so cute.

When the doctor told me that she had passed, my mom left the room so that I could be alone with her. My little girl opened her eyes, and opened her mouth, and it scared me. I later told this to The Father, and he said that her soul just wanted one more look at me before it left for heaven.

And I believe him. Not just beacuse he is my father-- the one I look to for guidance, but because I remember the room got a warm feeling to it when her mouth opened.

I did not believe in heaven (or hell) before yesterday night. I believed in God, but I thought that when we die, our bodies stay on Earth. But now, I think I believe in heaven.

And yes, it is hard, I can barely keep it together for an hour. I am sitting here crying as I type this, and it will take all of the strength I have in me to even post this.

But, I will be strong. I need to be strong. Her memories will always linger in this house, and I will always miss her... I will no longer have my little dog, the first dog that was truly mine. The house is quieter, there is no more barking when someone arrives home and when someone is at the door.

I loved it when she did those things.

She will always be in my heart.

Fanci, I will miss you.


TRICIA @boutellefamilyzoo said...

Oh Tee Tee,
I'm so sorry for your loss. I have two friends who have lost a beloved dog this week. The sadness is immense, but I pray for your healing. I'm quite sure your Fanci will stay with you forever.
Many Blessings, Tee Tee.

Lee said...

:( I am so sorry for your loss. I know it's hard when you lose a beloved pet.
I will be praying for you, and I hope that over time you will be able to heal.

Kelly said...

Oh TeeTee!

My cheeks are wet, and I don't know how.

Fanciful is now in a lovely Dog Heaven with my two pugs, Elle and Muffin, I think they're going to be great friends. But for Elle's sake, I hope there is a treadmill up there, she wasn't the healthiest.


Wendyburd1 said...

Oh TeeTee I am so SO sorry!! I can't imagine losing Max, what you are going through is my worst fear and I am so sorry you have to go through this and way before Fanci's time! I am glad you were able to hold her and get some tangible things to remember her by before she passed. ((HUGS))

cgw @ accidentally, kle said...

TeeTee.... you've made me weep. I'm SO very sorry to read this, it's broken my heart. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope that you will get through this loss without too much pain. Sincere condolences, and many (virtual) hugs xxxxxx

McGlone Bunch said...

I have so so many special and wonderful memories of the two of you and of Fanci with your Princess. She was in charge of this house and I am not sure who it will now fall to? Virgie Mae? no she is much too lazy to keep an eye on everything?? CoCo?? no he is much too preoccupied with the backyard that surrounds him. Not to mention they can not fit on top of the couch and peer out the slits of the blinds to keep us safe from the passing shadows that might be out there.

Sorry just does not seem to cut it for me. I have a guilt that is heavy in my heart. I was on watch, I was filling the bird feeder, I was not paying attention, and your very worst nightmare has come true. How will you ever forgive me??

All I can say is Fanci was a special dog that put up with a lot and was always there to let you know that you mattered no matter what.

She will be missed and mourned for quite sometime.

I love you and I loved your dog whose name was bigger than she was: Fanciful's Red Wine Demar.

Forever TeeTee's dog.


TeeTee said...

I have already forgiven you-- you did nothing wrong. She just wanted to explore some more... and I believe that she is happier now, annoying Stocker:)

Laila Of Course! said...

Oh Teetee, I am so, so, so very very sorry. This is a horrible thing to happen, and I know Fanci loved you with all her heart, and that she is happier in heaven. I think her last moments were made SO MUCH more wonderful with you there.

I'm so sorry.

Just Be Real said...

Tee Tee, I cry with you....

I am so very sorry for the passing of your precious Fanci. Remember the good things and cherish them in your heart.

((((Tee Tee))))

Lucy said...

Oh, I just cried reading this BUT how brave of you to hold her while she was dying!

My heart goes out to you!

Fanci was a cutie, reminds me of my childhood dog (eons ago) a toy poodle. I loved him like all get out!!

Yaya said...

I am so sorry.

Angela said...

I'm sorry about your dear one! Oh, how I would have cried! We are all thinking about you and hope you feel better soon.

Tay tulz said...

i feel so sorry for you. :(( im crying for you.

Randi said...

How tragically sad. I'm so sorry!