February 6, 2011

a story about letting go.

this is not a love story, but it is however a story about how i once loved a boy who did not love me back. this is the story of how i finally let go. i'm sharing this so that one day my sister and children may read this and know that they are not/ were not alone.

the first time i believed i had let go was one night in september. it was an amazing night, and i grew in leaps and bounds that night. he was at the same place i was, in the arms of a new girl. i actually knew this girl since we were five and that little fact made it even more shocking. it was heartbreaking, i felt as if my heart was shattering once more. but something amazing happened, something earth shattering even, if you want to call it that. someone very adorable came to my rescue.

in the arms of someone else, i realized what exactly i wanted. and it was not this boy, the one who easily took my heart and broke it into a million pieces and then brushed me away like i was nothing. not this boy, who treated me like i was not even worthy of him. but this someone else, he treated me like i mattered, like i belonged by his side and that i had all along. i realized in these small, but important seconds, that i wanted to love someone who was worthy of my heart. i wanted to love someone who treated me right, because this is what i deserved, right? i deserved someone who would go to the moon and back and risk everything for me, just like this friend did.

a month passed and i got a text message. it was a simple "hey", but it changed something for me. the feelings i thought i had left behind came rushing back and i believe it was honestly for the best. my heart eventually gave up on the matter. but i still clung to the tiny bit of faith i had that he would text or call again.

then came december and i had not seen him for a whopping three months. he was, once again, the same place as i, and managed to work his way back into my heart and my thoughts once more. he left once again a few days later.

later that month, about three or so days before christmastime, our family (minus my working father) made our annual trek to the grocery store, in preparation for the christmas eve dinner. and of course, a certain someone had to be there as well. my mother had stopped and talked to him once we were done, outside in the parking lot. the conversation lasted about ten minutes, all the while, i was over- thinking my every move and his every move. as pathetic as it was, i couldn't help myself. hope filled my every cell and i thought, 'if he didn't want to be here, he wouldn't. and that has got to count for something.'

i sent a cute text message that night, wishing him a merry christmas and i told him that it was good seeing him. and boy, it was. a few days passed, and all the while i spent it wishing that we could reconnect and that he would make the move. it didn't happen, of course. and all the while, i felt as if my brain was telling me, 'this is the ultimate test to see if you are able to let go or not.' my heart though, had a whole different story to tell. that day had given me a glimmer of hope and definitely something to grow on. but days passed and eventually weeks and i learned that it was time to let go, because if he didn't want me, then i shouldn't even be wasting my time.

i figured out that i had finally let go a couple weeks ago. i was sitting alone, thinking about life and love and the messy matter called my heart. and then i thought about him, the one i fell in love with all these months ago. and for the first time in a while, i felt nothing. i didn't feel a sharp pang in my chest, that reminded me that i did indeed still love him. i didn't feel a rush of feeling, i didn't remember a bunch of memories. i felt absolutely nothing.

during the past couple of weeks,
i've realized how many people i've recently met. i've met all these wonderful people, and i am certainly bound to meet even more. i no longer believe that there is a reason to hope that he will decide to walk back into my life. there are so many fish in the sea, so to speak. i've met someone new, so why not spread my wings, open my heart, take a chance, and get ready to love again?