April 27, 2011

some really deep, scattered thoughts for your wednesday night.



i feel small, tiny.

sometimes i feel like i am clinging onto something not even worth my time. i feel like hope isn't even enough to help me out.

i think it's funny how with just a smile, everyone thinks you're totally and completely alright.
i'm hurting, deep inside. my heart is hurting. i can't figure out why.

it could be so many things. so much is happening right now and sometimes i feel like it's all a dream and i'm just asleep, watching someone else's life.

i think i love someone. it's so different, and sometimes it all just becomes too much. all the dealing and the hiding it, because this couldn't possibly be happening. to me? with him, the one who i should definitely not be falling for? during this time, when i am so desperately trying to make decisions and trying to figure out my life?

it could be those numbers on the scale. the evil numbers. i know it's selfish, but you know what? i hate them, deep down. they're not what i wanted. i know numbers are just numbers, but still. i feel like this, added on top of it all is just too much. and i am not about to develop some eating disorder, but i feel like those numbers were screaming at me to get back into shape.

it could be that bucket-load of regrets that i feel are staring me down. i feel like they are screaming at me, "DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE, SOMETHING DARING FOR ONCE!" i feel like i can never give them exactly what they want.

my number one wish is to be fearless. to take a chance. i feel like this is never going to be possible, ever ever ever. ever.



and i think all of these things going on all around me, all the deep emotional stuff that is weighing me down, is all really small compared to so many other things. but then i think that these are my things i am dealing with right now, so they are big, because it seems like they are staring me down and following me everywhere i go.


maybe it's just a bad night.
and maybe (hopefully) when i wake up in the morning, it will all be okay.



hopefully.

2 comments:

Tweedles -- that's me said...

i feel your words.
what you said i could be saying the same thing because i feel what you say.
they could be my words,,,,
,,, but i keep it all inside.

i hope it was just a bad day for you... that is what i tell myself everyday,,
it was just a bad day.
i hear you. i care
love
tweedles

Natalie said...

Oh, my dear... ): Unfortunately I think I know the feeling all too well. At least for me, it was something to do with the feeling of not having anything to really be sad about, but at the same time wondering why I wasn't happy. I don't know if this is true for you, but for me, I was overthinking everything and thinking myself into a hole. I guess you just can't let all of those self doubts and regrets take the best of you. I know it's so much easier said than done, but really. I truly do hope that when you woke up the next morning at least some of those bad feelings went away.