August 30, 2011

the summer of healing.


i remember tears. hot, salty tears running down my face, one by one, after coming home from school. it was horrible, this feeling of nothingness. i absolutely hated it. i smile now, as i remember how down in the dumps i was. i felt like i would never get out. well, i did. i got out. i fought my demons (both inner and outer) and i WON! it felt great, and now this time will be a distant memory, stored in the back of my mind. i never want to return to this time, and i keep this thought in my mind too.

i remember crying, crying so much as i got my frustrations out. i cried in my mother and father's arms, i cried about how tough i thought life was at this particular moment. my soul was lifted as they told me that they would help me figure this all out. i felt their unconditional love fill the room. it was in that moment that i figured out that i would be okay, life goes on, and that i could fix this all.

i remember the months i fought my battles. i remember the people who threw me down and the people who helped build me up again. i will forever remember these people and the love they showed me.

i remember watching my crush, right in front of me, yet so far way. i remember feeling love, all the love in my heart belonging to this one boy, who knew i existed but not exactly how i wanted him to. and then i remember realizing that actually, all i wanted from him was his friendship and love. i wanted to be friends with him, i wanted to get to know him better than i already did. i did that. i remember realizing i didn't want to date him. i remember the very day i realized that he will forever be my friend. and i like that.

i remember summer school. i remember the friends i made, how close i got to some. this time was so important, i realized what exactly i wanted in a true friend and i found one. the class was a sea of mixed emotions-- good one day, bad the other. but i don't regret the time i spent in that room. it was so much fun, oh goodness, so much fun.

i remember my surgeries. i remember feeling the love in the room right as i was put to sleep. i knew i was in safe hands. and when i returned a week later to get my stitches out, i felt that love again. through this doctor, i believed once again in the power of love and i realized how much a stranger can really mean to you.

i remember my short time in utah, surrounded by mountains and trees. oh the wind, how it would play with my hair and dance on my skin. i remember the conversations with my little sister, how we would end each day in our shared bed, discussing the events that took place that day. i remember in those moments i would stare at her and think, she is me. i am her. we share blood. we share our lives. and i realized just how thankful i am to have her as my sister and how close our bond really is.

i remember sitting in my room, the countless hours i spent on an ap bio class, apparently the hardest class on campus and thinking: i can do this. i am good enough. screw what everyone has said to me about this, i am going to prove them wrong. i remember finishing an essay on evolution, something i never imagined myself ever doing.

i remember car rides with my dad, discussing intellectual things and throwing ideas out there without ever hesitating. i remember thinking that he won't judge me for the ideas i have like almost every body else seems to these days. i remember seeing things from his point of view, learning how to open my mind to new ideas.

i remember the dedication of my mother. countless hours of shopping at the mall, which isn't her favorite, but she was willing to do it for me. i remember sharing secrets with her, my life plans as of now, and being encouraged to go for it! shoot for the stars! i remember her soothing voice, telling me it was okay and that i am okay and that she loves me. i will forever remember this.

i remember the night before the first day of school. i was so excited, it took me four hours to fall asleep. i woke up in the morning refreshed somehow, and off i went to a new year and new classes and new teachers. i was so excited. i remember walking into classes and seeing the faces of people i knew. i liked that. i liked the rhythm of the first day, despite how awkward everything felt.

and then i remember today. i went into my mother's room, fed up with the people i go to school with. i told her everything that was on my mind. she calmed me down and really asked me who i thought would think these things. i told her everyone. (she then pushed me to tell her who "everyone" was, and it turned out to be a couple people...) she told me that the people who know me, really know me, and know my goals and plans for my future, would never dream of saying these things! i sat there shocked, knowing that she was telling me the truth. her and i both cried as she told me wonderful things about my personality and how much she loved me. i remembered once again that she was always there for me. she told me what she thought i lost and how to gain it back. she told me i was strong and that she loved me.






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this summer i learned so much about myself. i remember most of it-- it was documented here and there on my twitter. but what really can 140 characters at a time really tell you about an experience? most of it i kept hidden in my mind, not wanting to share it. today in english i decided to share my summer. i write to remember; i write for me, for my sister, and for my future children.

this summer was truly the summer of healing. i've healed my soul and really, truly found myself. thinking back to may-june, i was so lost, so unsure of everything i did. walking back into school yesterday made me realize that now i am sure. i have goals, i have somewhere i want to go in life. and i am going to make these goals happen.

thank you to all who helped me write the story of my summer 2011. you all mean the world to me, i cannot thank you enough for being there when i needed you the most. thank you. thank you. thank you. this truly was a summer to remember.