April 23, 2014
i have always loved the idea of love. ever since i was able to comprehend the word, i knew that i needed someone to love in my life. not only my family, i needed someone "special". i fell in love with everything after that. oh, the sky is a beautiful shade of blue? gotta fall in love with it.
in the midst of all this "love", my teenage, hormonal self met a very cute boy in the eighth grade who showed a teeny tiny bit of interest in my awkward self. i managed to muster up the courage to ask this boy for his number and he miraculously recited the digits. (and they were the correct ones. obviously i had something going for me.) nonstop texting occurred every night for weeks. glances across the school courtyard were all i needed for that particular day to be a good one. i was OBSESSED. he was adorable, and i convinced myself that we would be the world's most attractive couple ever. i also daydreamed about kissing said boy. a lot of kissing.
anyway, fast forward about a month or so and we're at a promotion party. i guess it's a pretty big deal if you make it through eighth grade? who knew. well, said cute boy is kissing his ex girlfriend at a party. (i find out, get sad, eat cake.) SEE THE EATING MY FEELINGS THING STARTED HERE. i thought that i loved him. at the time, i thought i was going to marry him. oh, eighth grade naive me.
fast forward once again to my sophomore year of high school. i met a very cute boy, through a close friend. nice hair, cute smile, silly personality, awesome music taste (aka the most important quality in a male). it took awhile, but eventually we started talking. (well, i mean, texting talking. total twenty-first century problems.) anyway, he kissed me and i thought i was in love. then cue the inevitable heartbreak when two people are living opposite lives. for the next few months (and let's be real, the next few years) i struggled with wondering if i was in love with him. i still do, sometimes. i still do wonder.
with my junior year of high school came my first ever boyfriend. it was awesome, having an automatic date everywhere i went. oh bowling? let me bring my boyfriend. prom? already have a date secured. go me! all the other relationship-like things were amazing too. experiencing them with someone that i had known for six years was so special to me. nine months later it ended on a good note, we simply worked better as the best friends we were before we started dating.
i thought i had been in love at that point, which is probably the beauty in an innocent high school relationship. i look back on my years of loving everything that existed and wonder if it even was love. i thought i had clearly defined love when i was "in love". but looking back, love is supposed to make you feel whole, or so we're told. (there are a lot of misconceptions about love.) i have never felt whole when i have been "with" another human.(see, hence the misconception i think.)
i am at that point in my life where i question EVERYTHING. why does my iphone battery only last .5 seconds? why are people rude? why is college a thing? why am i not married to tom brady? love is one of those things i have been questioning. does love even exist? what is love? how do you know when you're in love?
i believe in unconditional love, and i think that it ultimately what i search for. conditional love does not satisfy me. and that is the main issue here. i search for something that another human (besides my awesome family) cannot give me. i believe that there are different kinds of love. i believe that the definition of love changes. i still believe in love despite ending up heartbroken more times than not.
i also believe that in love's case, you just put one foot in front of the other, one foot in front of the other. because we have to believe in love. i need to believe in something bigger than myself. i need to believe that one morning i will wake up next to the love of my life and be happy, knowing that i have someone to live my life with.
(or at least that's what i'm telling myself until my own dr. mcdreamy comes along.)